Today being St. Nicholas Day, it is altogether fitting and proper that we get a look at the letters the Democrat Party and GOP are sending to Santa Claus this year.
St. Nicholas is, of course, the original of Santa Claus. When my children were young, the good bishop came in the wee hours of December 6 to pick up the letters to his subsequent Santa-self that they had left in their shoes along with some grass for St. Nicholas' horse. The rule was that if you didn't put your request on your St. Nicholas list, you couldn't expect Santa to bring the thing.
Similarly, there are some rules regarding the Christmas wishes of the Democrats and the GOP. Mainly that none of them can involve physical violence against the other or stuffing ballot boxes.
THE GOP SANTA LETTER:
Attn: the so-called "Santa"
CEO of Christmas, Inc. Int'l:
If you want access this coming year to chairmen of any House committees or any legislative amendments favorable to your organization, you'd better hand over the following items which are listed in order of priority:
1. A credible GOP candidate for the presidency. (We don't have one.)
2. A well-filled Christmas stocking to stuff in Newt Gingrich's mouth. Size large.
3. A severe downturn in the American economy. (Things are looking rather good at the moment, which could help Obama.)
4. A war with Iran. (Obama is shutting down George W's wars.)
5. Success in our efforts to deprive about 5 million voters of their right to vote in 2012. (They would likely vote Democratic.)
6. The removal of the idiot candidates from the GOP presidential primary. ( Since this is all of them, PLEASE bring us Item 1 above!)
7. The end of Social Security and Medicare by the popular acclaim of a suddenly demented citizenry.
8. The return of Ronald Reagan, but not as he really was but as we SAY he was. (Also, we want him alive & only in the early stages of dementia, just as he was in his second term. No corpses, please.)
9. Ralph Nader to run against Obama as a third party candidate in 2012 so we can snipe off 90,000 votes again like we did in Florida in 2000. (You did a great job that year, Santa, and that 5-4 vote in the Supreme Court was the best stocking stuffer ever!)
10. Speaking of stockings, did we mention a big one to stuff in Newt Gingrich's mouth?
We have not been good boys and girls this year. We have been faithful to the GOP standards of screw everybody in sight so as to get money, stamp on the poor and middle-class, foment racism, tell outrageous lies with a straight face, try to destroy the government, throw people out of work with budget cuts, and be ugly to look at. Confident you will reward our consistency, we remain your respectful masters,
The Republican Party
THE DEMOCRATS' LETTER:
Hey, Santa, wha's happenin, dude? Did you catch Jon Stewart last night? And thanks for the gift of a sense of humor, which the GOP don't got!
Thanks for all the cool stuff we got this last year, especially the GOP contenders for the presidential nomination. Only one complaint: Santa, the November 2010 election was a bummer! Can you take it back as a defective product?
Well, here's the list. We apologize for troubling you, especially at your age, but if we don't get your help, think what will happen to your Social Security and your Medicare. And remember, Santa, it was the Democrats who passed the safety law requiring all airborne sleighs to have a red light on the lead reindeer. If the GOP get control of the government, Rudolph will be toast and you will be at risk for a midair collision because, even now, the GOP is blocking a provision to extend the law to Wicked Witches on flying broomsticks.
1. Please make the Republicans stop saying "Democrat" when it should be "Democratic", like in the phrase "Democrat program to rob the rich". That ungrammatical "Democrat" rasps like fingernails on a blackboard. And they started doing it about 20 years ago just to annoy us. Santa, they are SO mean!
2. Stop them telling lies about us, please. We know you said we should stand up for ourselves, but they are such bullies and travel in a pack and yell the lies in a chorus over and over. And now Barney Frank is retiring, so we have nobody to answer them back and nobody could understand what Barney was saying anyway.
3. Peace on earth.
4. Enough food and shelter and clean water for everybody everywhere.
5. And for everybody everywhere, medical care and education and the right to vote. And help for Syria and the Arab Spring folks, please.
6. Help for our little brother Greece who is this year's Tiny Tim and threatens to pull down the whole world by stumbling on his crutches.
7. Save the planet, please. Humankind has made a mess and doesn't seem to have the will to fix it. Can you have a word with Mother Nature?
8. Some intelligence, please, for the Tea Party supporters and less mendacity among those in the GOP who KNOW about global warming and the bad effects of budget cutting in a recession but pretend that they DON'T know.
9. A kick in the butt to the Independents who use that label to disguise their laziness in not figuring out the issues and choosing sides. (Our side, obviously.)
10. No more shootings of our leaders. We've lost so many. Please spare President Obama and the others, and help that nice little Congresswoman in Arizona to fully recover. And no more shooting of nine-year-old little girls. Please.
11. Could you boost the American economy some more? Unemployment is dropping a bit, and that's good for our side, but there's still lots of folks who are unemployed, lots of folks still losing their homes, and lots of kids going hungry. This should be number one on our list, but we know it's already number one on your list. Oh, okay, put it at number one on our list, and we'll continue to suffer "Democrat Party" when it should be "Democratic Party". (Argh!)
12. Do you think you can do something about Nancy Pelosi's facelift? It's getting scary to look at her. And thanks SO much for mostly keeping her off TV this past year. Could you do the same with Harry Reid?
You're a good egg, Santa, and we promise you we'll keep trying to help you out with your end of things, such as trying to do some good in the world. Don't worry about the other stuff we could have asked for but didn't. Like winning the presidency in 2012 and taking back the House. Even winning a filibuster-proof majority in the Senate! Wow, wouldn't that be cool! We'll take care of this stuff ourselves, Santa, as best we can. You showed us back in 2008 that, if we pull together and each do our part, we can pull off a miracle. That's how we got Obama. Or were you helping us back then too, you sneaky devil?
For everything, Santa, through all the years, we thank you. Most of all we thank you for each other and the vision that binds us together as people who aren't devoted to money but to all the brothers and sisters.
Especially to all the Tiny Tims among us who are real children and need help.
One more thing. Are chocolate chip cookies still your favorite? Michelle Obama is worried about your weight, Maybe carrot sticks instead of cookies?