Thursday, November 7, 2013

The Spy Who Came In From the Sewer

German Chancellor Angela Merkel claims to be annoyed because America's NSA has been spying on her.

Oh, for heaven's sake, Angela, get real!  You haven't been spied on by the real professionals. Those folks at the National Security Agency are actually just amateurs.  The real spies are the ones at the National Sewer Agency.  Now those are some spies!

I wrote an email recently to my adult kids, reminiscing about how tree roots were always invading our sewer line back in the days of their childhood so that I would have to call a very nice man named Mr. Christian to come roto-root or whatever.  Initially I would get very annoyed by the situation but then decided to embrace it by learning about sewage lines.  For example, how much fall per foot does the line have to have?  As I mentioned to my kids in the email, this works well regarding people too. Someone is very annoying?  Decide to like them.  Or at least pretend to.  And they lose the power to annoy.  So I use the "ain't sewers fun" approach across a broad spectrum of life.

Within half an hour of my typing this bit of sewer wisdom and sending it off, five  -   yes, five  - sewage companies popped their ads onto my email page.  Isn't America grand!  Entrepreneurs up the gazoozoo!

One of the ads mentioned an intriguing "directional drilling".  One rather hates to think of non-directional drilling, doesn't one?  Another site promised "Bursting, Repairs, Replacement, Scope, Video Boring, Sewer Taps".  I like that this company is willing to burst your pipes for you so that the fun can begin and we can get on with the rest of the menu.  Is the '"video boring" a thumbs down on the quality of a sewage film or is it an invitation to watch the process "boring" along within the pipe, rather like watching your own colonoscopy on a screen?  (I prefer to sleep.)

In any event you can see that the folks at the real NSA, i.e. the National Sewer Agency are absolutely on their toes.  They were watching me!  And the minute my messaging wandered into sewerland, they were right on it.

So be grateful, Angela Merkel, that all you have to worry about is our National Security Agency.  And by the way, sweetie, how come your own security people have never told you that the USA spies on you and that you folks spy on the USA?  And that everybody spies on everybody!  As the Godfather said, "Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer." ( Or was that George Bernard Shaw?  It's always Shaw, Lincoln, or Will Rogers, though the Godfather is gaining.)

Read some John LeCarre, darling, and learn what we all know and have always known.  Meantime, shut up.  Your outrage is so hypocritical given what Germany has done to Europe's economy in recent years and to six million Jews in an earlier time.

Let there be a consensus:  for prior bad behavior, Germany is barred forever from complaining about anything.  Including sewer lines.  


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